From The Vault: Romancing the Stone

Hello guys. Sorry I don't have a new review for ya. Winston, my oh-so-lovely brother-in-law, is going to help me keep this thing up to date. I have had some problems lately. Seems my ex-wife wants increased custody of my son Jasper. I have been run ragged by that cunt. Anyway my sister Trish has been right by my side this whole time. She thought her husband Winston could lend a hand with this blog until I get my shit together. Since he is the only guy I know who can write, I thought 'why not?' Hopefully his reviews won't always be as boring as that last one. Sheesh. Anyway here's a review from the vault to hold you over until another movie comes the Regal down the street. Editor's Note: this is my very first published review!

Romancing the Stone (1984):
Hello everyone! My name is Richard Flemming and I am the new movie reviewer for the Salt Lake City Dispatch. My first review: Romancing the Stone an adventure-cum-romantic comedy starring Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, Danny Devito and some other random actors. This picture promised to be the smash hit of March 1984, and judging from the previews, I thought it may be just that.
WRONG. This movie stinks worse than dog shit in a sauna. Aside from the incomprehensible dialogue (for example, Douglas repeats the line: "Daddy made a Dum Dum! Daddy made a Dum Dum!" every time anything went wrong), near-pornographic sex scenes and nudity (we see several prolonged shots of Danny Devito's shockingly diminutive scrotum during a pointlessly drawn out 'skinny-dipping' scene), utter disregard for the likeability of the main characters (Douglas, for example, alludes to a past conviction on a few counts of child molestation), the worst part may be the casting of Kathleen Turner. Are we supposed to buy this towering behemoth of raw masculinity as a leading lady? I'm sorry, I have met tow truck drivers with less ass-hair than this monster. If you are looking for some real movie going magic, go see Splash. If they ever make a sequel to this, I will quit the business.
1 Richard (editors note: I had yet to change the rating system to increments of Flems.)