Wall-e

Hey guys. My readership has gone down lately, and it has a lot to do with the move. For those who are not sure what move I am talking about, my page Flemming on Film was deleted by my ex-wife Miriam (can't prove it though...) and I had to change the page to Flemming on Films. Anyway, readership has gone down, mostly because people aren't sure where to find it. Please pass the word on: Add and 's' and I will get success. Ahem... Anyway expect some of my archived reviews to show up every now and then, since they are no longer available electronically.

Anyway, onto the review. I saw Wall-e with my son Jasper and his snot-nosed friends last night. He had a birthday party but Chuck E. Cheese's was packed full. (Do Mexican children even know what Chuck E. Cheese's is?) so I had to bring 11 brats to the Regal around the corner. Anyway Wall-E is the story of a lonely robot, left to squeeze shit into cubes on earth, while all the people float around in space, getting fat, etc. An IPod lands on earth, and romance ensues.

The movie is the worst kind of puerile kiddy shit. I mean I don't get computer cartoons. If they want to be real, build the damn robots yourself. If you want a cartoon, call up Hanna Barbara, but what the fuck is the point of this halfway shit? Anyway, the space scenes made me sick, and the lasers and whatnot made my eyes hurt. Jesus...Also everytime I heard someone speak, I just pictured that celebrity hamming it up in a depressing recording studio with a starbucks in one hand looking unshaven and slovenly. I have a hard time suspending disbelief when it comes to computer cartoons.

Anyway, I fell asleep and woke up with the popcorn bucket on my head with those little shits tying my shoes together. To get back at them, I told em we would stop for ice cream on the way home, but instead I just drove on silently and stonefaced, dropping each of them off. They were too scared at my demeanor to dare ask about the ice cream. Ah... revenge is sweet. Anyway... only because I thought the iPod was cute I am gonna give this:

2 Flems

Hell Boy 2

I want to respond to the numerous emails I got last week pertaining to my review of those two Brendan Fraser movies (and yes I spelled his name wrong before.) I let things get personal and I attacked Mr. Fraser. Lets just say him and I go way back and leave it at that. Sorry for publishing such a biased review. Incidentally, those movies were about as enjoyable as anal sex with a baseball bat. Moving on...
I took my son Jasper (yeah I know...my ex named him) to the Regal for some shit called Hell Boy 2 last night. I only get Thursdays with him and I figure I can kill two birds with one stone and take in a picture while we are together. He gets to have a little fun, and I don't have to pretend like I enjoy this kid's company. (he is constantly talking nonsense.) Anyway, I normally don't go for kiddy shit like comic book movies, but I thought I would give this flick a chance.
Wish I hadn't. The movie reeks. The lead character looks like someone spray-painted Frankenstein and I cannot understand a word the guy says. In fact, the sound at the theater was so low, I don't think I heard much of anything. The other characters in the film have funny faces too. Some look like fish, some look like vampires or something. Look, the thing stinks.

The action made me sick (why do they have to spin cameras around like that anyway?!) and the theater was full of little brats throwing waterballons and stuff. Hell on earth for a grown man. I really have nothing else to say about this picture except that its weaker then a cup of Folger's at church. They really dropped the ball on this one.
1 Flem.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor/ Journey to the Center of the Earth

At the risk of this review being considered incendiary, I must preface it with my opinion on Mr. Brenden Fraisier. Nevermind that he looks like someone with downs syndrome on steroids, the guy cannot act.
He is a moon-faced rube who seems to have have wandered onto a movie lot from East Bumblefuck, Nebraska and has somehow become mistaken for a bankable Hollywood star. My theory on his puzzling success: He has a massive penis and has used it to hypnotize Hollywood's most influential casting agents. With all due respect to the maker's of these movies, I have combined review for his latest "blockbusters." Not just because they are both hollow and pointless summer liquid shit-fests, but also because I saw them both in the span of a week, and I don't really remember which was which.

Both films are gruelling exercises in nincumpoopery. At best Fraiser comes across as stumbling
bumbling ass clown. At worst, he stirs your stomach when he stares passionately into the camera with his frog eyes, saying something like "The Mummy? I thought he was dead!" or "The center of the earth? I thought the earth was flat!" Really awful stuff here.

If memory serves me correctly, one of them was in 3D. Big. Fucking. Deal. I personally tossed my 3D glasses aside in the span of a few moments, as they were way too small for my head. I really don't go for that technical shit anyway. I enjoy motion pictures, not kiddy shit. Aside from that, I think I slept through the majority of both movies. Anyway... I will sum both movies up: torches, tattered clothes, monsters, loud noises, and Moonface McBoring.

2 Flems, one for each.

Mama Mia

Okay. I want to begin this review by saying I am a pretty big ABBA fan. Love their stuff. Love the look, everything. I also love Meryl Streep. Love her. She is really one our finest actors. She has proven time and time again. I saw the musical last summer and it blew my slacks off. It's no small secret to anyone who knows me that this was one of my most anticipated films of the year. So when I was invited to an advanced screening last night, I was beside myself.
That said, the experience of watching Mama Mia was not unlike getting fellated by an electric eel. An angry electric eel. It was that bad. Streep appeared drunk onscreen throughout the entire film, and I predict a rehab stint for her in the near future. The supporting actors are seen behaving rather candidly in background scenes, as if they have no clue they are on screen (for example a supporting character is seen struggling to open a tampon package while Streep sings in the foreground..truly bizarre).

The songs themselves contain strange anomalies, such as whole sections where the actors clearly forgot the words, and look to eachother for help, often shrugging visibly. Also there were weird "Beatles like" stereo effects such as vocals being panned violently from left to right, in a truly disorienting fashion. The songs often fade out, while the "actors" keep mouthing the words until they are inaudible, often crouching further down as the song gets quieter, only to bolt upright and start speaking as normal again as soon as the song fully fades out. Confusing as hell, if you ask this guy.
The kicker? Dancing Queen does not even appear in the film! (well, in all fairness it could have played while I was in the bathroom, but when I got back I could derive no evidence in the context of the scenes before or after I shat my brains out Regal Cinema-style). Bottom line, people constantly missed dance cues, the shots were often poorly framed (for example, in the pivital scene where Meryl Streep finds out who the father of her child is, half her face is cut out of the picture! This movie seemed very rushed and absolutely strange. The only shining light in the film? Pierce Brosnan as a lady-killing ad exec (I believe) who has a habit of exposing his ample penis at crucial moments. Other than that, this film was about as interesting as the Bodies Exhibit at the museum, (I thought they would be naked, not skinned!)
1 Flem.

X-Files: I Want to Believe

The X-Files 2: I Want to Believe is the motion picture equivalent of a monstrous turd slowly decaying in an algae-tinged mud puddle. I threw up in my popcorn, which was a small. Dont worry, small is the new large when it comes to movie theater snacks, so it was enough to hold the copious spew that this movie induced. If you are wondering why this review is mostly about puke and popcorn, its because the "movie" that I am "supposed" to "review" is super-concentrated drivel.

There is no discernable plot, most scenes are too dark to see, and Mulder and Scully don't appear until nearly 45 minutes into the movie!!! There are several scenes that don't seem to make any sense at all (for example, an extended scene of Fox Mulder pumping gas that seems to go on forever..) Several characters are never even given names, and at least a couple of those characters are portrayed by several actors, sometimes with no regard for normally concrete character traits such as, race, gender.. etc. I cannot begin to understand what this means.

As for our heroes, Mulder is portrayed as alternately distant, melancholy, giddy, drunk and borderline abusive at times. Scully seems to struggle to even stay awake! When she has anything to say at all, she often mixes the words up. (For example: "Gun, put down the Mulder!")

I loved the show, I watch every episode as soon as it airs. But this...this was just shit. They phoned this one in folks. Chris Carter should have to go to a concentration camp for this stinking crap-bomb. 100% ass.

I give it 1 Flem.