The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor/ Journey to the Center of the Earth

At the risk of this review being considered incendiary, I must preface it with my opinion on Mr. Brenden Fraisier. Nevermind that he looks like someone with downs syndrome on steroids, the guy cannot act.
He is a moon-faced rube who seems to have have wandered onto a movie lot from East Bumblefuck, Nebraska and has somehow become mistaken for a bankable Hollywood star. My theory on his puzzling success: He has a massive penis and has used it to hypnotize Hollywood's most influential casting agents. With all due respect to the maker's of these movies, I have combined review for his latest "blockbusters." Not just because they are both hollow and pointless summer liquid shit-fests, but also because I saw them both in the span of a week, and I don't really remember which was which.

Both films are gruelling exercises in nincumpoopery. At best Fraiser comes across as stumbling
bumbling ass clown. At worst, he stirs your stomach when he stares passionately into the camera with his frog eyes, saying something like "The Mummy? I thought he was dead!" or "The center of the earth? I thought the earth was flat!" Really awful stuff here.

If memory serves me correctly, one of them was in 3D. Big. Fucking. Deal. I personally tossed my 3D glasses aside in the span of a few moments, as they were way too small for my head. I really don't go for that technical shit anyway. I enjoy motion pictures, not kiddy shit. Aside from that, I think I slept through the majority of both movies. Anyway... I will sum both movies up: torches, tattered clothes, monsters, loud noises, and Moonface McBoring.

2 Flems, one for each.

Mama Mia

Okay. I want to begin this review by saying I am a pretty big ABBA fan. Love their stuff. Love the look, everything. I also love Meryl Streep. Love her. She is really one our finest actors. She has proven time and time again. I saw the musical last summer and it blew my slacks off. It's no small secret to anyone who knows me that this was one of my most anticipated films of the year. So when I was invited to an advanced screening last night, I was beside myself.
That said, the experience of watching Mama Mia was not unlike getting fellated by an electric eel. An angry electric eel. It was that bad. Streep appeared drunk onscreen throughout the entire film, and I predict a rehab stint for her in the near future. The supporting actors are seen behaving rather candidly in background scenes, as if they have no clue they are on screen (for example a supporting character is seen struggling to open a tampon package while Streep sings in the foreground..truly bizarre).

The songs themselves contain strange anomalies, such as whole sections where the actors clearly forgot the words, and look to eachother for help, often shrugging visibly. Also there were weird "Beatles like" stereo effects such as vocals being panned violently from left to right, in a truly disorienting fashion. The songs often fade out, while the "actors" keep mouthing the words until they are inaudible, often crouching further down as the song gets quieter, only to bolt upright and start speaking as normal again as soon as the song fully fades out. Confusing as hell, if you ask this guy.
The kicker? Dancing Queen does not even appear in the film! (well, in all fairness it could have played while I was in the bathroom, but when I got back I could derive no evidence in the context of the scenes before or after I shat my brains out Regal Cinema-style). Bottom line, people constantly missed dance cues, the shots were often poorly framed (for example, in the pivital scene where Meryl Streep finds out who the father of her child is, half her face is cut out of the picture! This movie seemed very rushed and absolutely strange. The only shining light in the film? Pierce Brosnan as a lady-killing ad exec (I believe) who has a habit of exposing his ample penis at crucial moments. Other than that, this film was about as interesting as the Bodies Exhibit at the museum, (I thought they would be naked, not skinned!)
1 Flem.

X-Files: I Want to Believe

The X-Files 2: I Want to Believe is the motion picture equivalent of a monstrous turd slowly decaying in an algae-tinged mud puddle. I threw up in my popcorn, which was a small. Dont worry, small is the new large when it comes to movie theater snacks, so it was enough to hold the copious spew that this movie induced. If you are wondering why this review is mostly about puke and popcorn, its because the "movie" that I am "supposed" to "review" is super-concentrated drivel.

There is no discernable plot, most scenes are too dark to see, and Mulder and Scully don't appear until nearly 45 minutes into the movie!!! There are several scenes that don't seem to make any sense at all (for example, an extended scene of Fox Mulder pumping gas that seems to go on forever..) Several characters are never even given names, and at least a couple of those characters are portrayed by several actors, sometimes with no regard for normally concrete character traits such as, race, gender.. etc. I cannot begin to understand what this means.

As for our heroes, Mulder is portrayed as alternately distant, melancholy, giddy, drunk and borderline abusive at times. Scully seems to struggle to even stay awake! When she has anything to say at all, she often mixes the words up. (For example: "Gun, put down the Mulder!")

I loved the show, I watch every episode as soon as it airs. But this...this was just shit. They phoned this one in folks. Chris Carter should have to go to a concentration camp for this stinking crap-bomb. 100% ass.

I give it 1 Flem.